A series of open letters

Dear Paul Haggis,

Your should know that your thoughts on car crashes in Los Angeles are way off base. There’s nothing romantic about them. When a car ran a red light today and skidded to avoid me as I walked across the street, my first notion — amazingly enough — was not, “Oh boy! Human interaction!” My thoughts ran more along these lines, condensed into about two seconds: “Squeal. Tires. Where’s that squeal? Car. Oh shit. He won’t hit me, right? Coming at me. This is really gonna suck. Good thing I got that free life insurance policy. Who’ll spend it? I can’t even remember who’s name’s on there. I bet getting hit by a car hurts like hell. I hope he doesn’t hit my knees. I really need those for walking and stuff. Yeah, he’s driving by. And looking at me. Why is he looking at me? It’s like he slowed down to stare with no intention of stopping to apologize for the whole almost killing me thing. Where’s he so anxious to get? Oh great, now everyone in the intersection is looking at me. I think I’ll shrug to show non-chalance. Yeah, smooth. I wonder if they’re looking at my Taco Bell bag. Stop judging me, you tanned bastards. I can’t wait to eat this burrito.”

Dear Guy Who Almost Ran Me Down Today at the Corner of Beverly Blvd. & S. Orlando Ave.,

You suck, dude. Seriously, that light had been red for like 7 seconds. I might forgive you if it was a getaway after a diamond heist, because those are pretty cool, and that means you’re a professional driver and I wasn’t in that much danger. Also, can I have some diamonds?

Dear Taco Bell,

That burrito was indeed delicious. If possible, please move your restaurant across the street so I don’t have to cross Beverly Blvd. to get there. As much as I appreciate your dirt cheap, and possibly dirty, food, it’s not worth dying for.

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One Response to “A series of open letters”

  1. YLlama Says:

    Maybe Taco Bell burritos are not worth dying for. But Patty’s burritos are. You’re just going to the wrong purveyor of tortilla-filled foodstuffs.

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