Sexual habits of dogs

My parents have two dogs. One female, one male. Both have had their sexual organs removed. Neither has ever shown the slightest sexual interest in the other.

The dogs are staying with me for a few nights while my folks are in West Virginia. As I write this, the male is licking his own genitals and the female is humping a giant teddy bear. Neither is more than four feet away from my desk.

Perhaps most disturbing is the nature of the humping. The dog clamps the stuffed animal’s nose in her jaws, drags it around, carefully positions it, and then and only then does the violation begin. I’ve asked, and apparently this is a nightly pre-sleep ritual.

I can’t help but think that something this inexplicable and unpleasant has to contain at least one nugget of wisdom to be extracted. Here’s the best I can manage: the next time you wish you could fall asleep without having to drink NyQuil or do breathing exercises or masturbate, be thankful that at least you don’t have to rape a stuffed bear.

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